The Handsome Man Team 2005
A few seasons ago, Alex Taft and his father, Rick, were watching a White Sox game and as Jose Valentin strolled up to the plater, Rick commented “My, he’s a handsome man!” This is hilarious for many reasons, mostly because Jose Valentin isn’t a particularly great looking man; he’s got what looks to be a meticulously groomed mustache. Nevertheless, Taft, Mark Shelley and Ross Gianfortune then took this concept of a “Handsome Man” as ballplayer and tried to expound it to a full team. For more information on the Original Handsome Man Team and its intense selection process, click here.
So, without further ado, here is the Handsome Man Team for 2005.
Starting nine
C – Javy Lopez
AT: I think Javy would be Captain of the Handsome Man Team if it wasn’t for Jose Valentin. Javy is truly a dreamboat. Do you remember when he and his wife were in Sports Illustrated a few years ago?
RG: Right. Analy Hernandez Lopez, she’s quite good-looking. I believe they have some children; those are going to be some beautiful kids. But, Javy’s got to be the best-looking man in MLB. It is sort of ironic, as catchers aren’t particularly good-looking. I’m thinking specifically of Ivan Rodriguez, who always looks angry. I actually think Joe Mauer is good-looking in that Abercrombie & Fitch-catalog/All-American way.
1B – Carlos Delgado
AT: First base is a little thin in the Handsome Men department. I think this is because most first basemen are big,lumpy dudes who are 6’4” and weigh 250 pounds. Delgado definitely falls into this category, as he is 6’3” and 230 pounds, but boy,look at that million-dollar smile. Don’t you just want to take him home to Mom?
RG: With Delgado, it’s all about those pearly whites. He gets extra credit from me for two reasons:
A. When he disagreed with the way the U.S. was treating the bomb testing in Puerto Rico (and the war), he refused to stand for “God Bless America ” in Yankee Stadium. As someone who both hates that song and refuses to remove his cap, I find this refreshing.
B. He’s a big-time Shakespeare fan. He was, I believe, a season-ticket holder at the Toronto Shakespeare Company, which is awesome.
AT: I did not know about his being a Shakespeare fan. Good thing he’s relocating to this country’s greatest haven of Fine Arts: Miami, Florida. He’s not just an athlete, ladies: he’s cultured and isn’t afraid to speak his mind!
RG: But, more than anything, it’s that smile. Eric Karros had that grizzled veteran thing going for him, but he has retired. Raffy Palmeiro looked fantastic when testifiying before Congress last month; he looked like a movie star. That is a man that knows how to dress. Also, great mustache.
AT: A movie star? Do you mean Snidely Whiplash from Dudley Do-Right? All he needs is a top hat and green skin.
2B – Todd Walker
AT: Second base is another relatively thin position in terms of handsomeness. Walker has that tough, grizzled “Marlboro Man” kind of look. A man’s man.
RG: I disagree with this pick every year we make it. I prefer Brian Roberts or Junior Spivey (after watching him this weekend, I was smitten). I understand the Todd Walker thing, to a point, but I can’t support his handsome-ness. I think he’s just dirty-looking.
AT: You’re just afraid that if you look deep inside yourself, you will find that you just want to be held
by a rugged cowboy.RG: Bill James, in his last Historical Abstract, mentioned Mark Grudzlansksaslsadhadslkadswhatver as one of the most handsome players of the 90s (along with Griffey), but I happen to think Mark G. (as Harry called him) has little beady eyes. Not a good look.
AT: I agree with your assessment of Grudzielanek ’s beady eyes. Brian Roberts and Junior Spivey are definitely better-looking. Kind of makes you wonder about Bill James, doesn’t it? I mean, sure, he hastransformed the way that baseball is analyzed, but he clearly has no taste in men.
RG: It should be noted that our friend Alison (the only straight woman who’s been a part of the selection process) is a huge supporter of this pick. In fact, when we were first assembling the team, I believe we had Spivey there and Alison nixed it quickly. She’s a big Todd Walker fan, and —while I don’t agree with it— I think we should listen to the one person who actually goes out with men.
(On the other hand, she did go out with me for a while. Maybe her taste isn’t so good…)
3B – Jose Valentin (Captain)
AT: The namesake and captain of the Handsome Man Team for as long as he is playing Major League Baseball. If Tony Muser and Rafael Palmeiro have taught us anything, it’s that a meticulously groomed mustache will take you a long way in the game of baseball.
RG: I think a lot of people would say A-Rod here, but Jose is the namesake of the team and deservedly so. Jose is about two months of growth away from a Cap Anson-style handlebar mustache, which would cement him as the all-time Handsome Man in my book.
AT: Who other than Jose Valentin could be the All-Time Handsome Man? Nobody. The only man who could compete with Valentin is if another professional baseball player prompted a spontaneous “He is a handsome man” from my dad. I’ve really got to watch some games with my dad this
summer.
SS - Derek Jeter
AT: Okay, I don’t love Derek Jeter, but when it comes down to it, Jeter is a Hall of Fame caliber Handsome Man. He’s dated Mariah Carey, Miss Universe and Scarlett Johansson. You just can’t argue with results like that.
RG: How about Jessica Alba, his current (I think) girlfriend?
AT: Oh yeah, I forgot they were dating. Jessica Alba is ridiculously hot. She’s the kind of hot where you look at her and say, “I will never even see a woman that hot in real life, will I?”
RG: Yeah, she is. I suggest checking out Sin City (in which she plays a stripper) or the current GQ, where she’s 3/4 naked in the photos.
Anyway, Jeter looks like a boy-band member, even at 30. He’s a hands-down Handsome Hall of Famer. His hair is pretty awful, but as long as he keeps his hat on, he’s a Handsome Man all the way. Plus, he seems to be a pleasant fellow, so he’s got that working for him.
AT: Pleasant fellow, my foot. He seems like a total phony. It seems like everything he says has been scripted by a team of agents and pre-approved for nationwide media consumption.
RG: You only say that because you hate the Yankees. Jeter, to me, seems to be a nice guy, dumb as a box of rocks, but nice enough and happy to be where he is. A dumb, nice jock all the way.
Just to repeat: Jessica Alba, though. Wow.
AT: Yeah, seriously. Can’t argue with Alba.
OF - Ken Griffey, Jr.
AT: The only reason Griffey is still handsome is that he hasn’t been playing. His reduced playing time has maintained his precious beautiful face. No, seriously, Griffey’s had a lot of bad luck. Still handsome, though.
RG: Yeah, another milllion-dollar smile. You’re right, though, we’re seeing less and less of it every year. I’m not even sure he should be a starter, but outfield is suprisingly thin. Another problem with Griffey is his crappy body. He’s shaped like a pear and that’s not something I can endorse.
OF - “Handsome” Corey Patterson
AT: Friends of mine that are Cubs fans are trying to get the nickname “Handsome” Corey spread throughout Cub Nation. The reason: Corey is very handsome. Too bad the only nickname his ballplaying skills invoke is “Korey.” ZING!
RG: Yes, Corey is handsome and short (he’s listed at 5’9”, I believe). He’s experimented with a goattee, which is something I —once again— can’t endorse. Goattees belong on country singers, hockey players and LeBron James. Otherwise, stay away.
AT: And what’s amazing is the huge number of baseball players that have goatees. It seems like every player outside the Yankees has toyed around with a goatee at at least one point in time. I would say that maybe 10% of the players with goatees look good with them.
OF - Andruw Jones
AT: I think Andruw Jones is sort of in the Carlos Delgado category of pretty normal looking until he smiles. Look at the picture on the left – kind of a half-smile… not so handsome.
Now look at the picture on the right: add big smile, get instant Handsome!
RG: Well, let’s get my biases out of the way; AJ is my favorite player. Even without that, there’s a lot to like about him. He’s very smooth in the field and is still pretty young. He speaks fivelanguages. He’s got a great smile. Plus, he was invovled in the infamous Gold Club trial, which is hilarious.
SP- Barry Zito
RG: I think Zito’s yoga-practicing,guitar-playing ways are too much for Prior, the other possibility for the ace pitcher. Prior’s eyebrows could use a trim, by the way.
AT: You can’t look at Zito’s photo and tell me he’s not more attractive than Prior. I mean, come on. The guy looks like a rock star. As much like a rock star as a guy in an A’s uniform and a glove can look.
AT:This is the way the musician thing works, as far as it has been relayed to me by heterosexual women: if you’re a musician, it doesn’t make you handsome unless you’re really good. If you’re handsome, or kind of handsome and you’re a musician, it makes you ten times more handsome, regardless of how good you are. This is why Barry Zito is on the handsome man team and Bernie Williams isn’t.
The handsome bench:
C – Joe Mauer
IF – Alex Gonzalez
IF – Eric Chavez
IF – Alex Rodriguez
OF – Carlos Beltran
OF- Ichiro! Suzuki
AT: I’m impressed with our bench; it is both handsome and talented. Although I’m disappointed with the absence of Nomar Garciaparra (another guy who can light the world up with his smile), I have to admit, I think that both Alex S. Gonzalez and Eric Chavez are more handsome selections. Although what’s up with the weird lighting in Gonzalez’s promo shot? Did have a zit or something?
Obviously A-Rod is a big asset, not only because of his deep, dreamy eyes, but because he can play SS and 3B. Mauer is a newcomer to the Handsome Man team. He has surprised me with his ballplaying abilities and his handsomeness.
RG: Lest we forget Ichiro! If you’re talking about rock stars, Ichiro! is it. He’s a handsome man, unparalelled. Chavez would be in the running for Handsome MVP in a world without Valentín and Javy Lopez. His hair is the best in the league, as he has a bouffant-thing going. Like Lopez and Zito, he’s one of the guys who look just as good (if not better) sans hat as they do with it. I’m a big Alex S. Gonzalez fan, as well, but he’s also experimented with the goatee, and that has got to stop. Plus, he sucks at actually playing baseball.
AT: You’re obsessed with the hat on/hat off thing.
RG: Paul Konerko is missing here, which is notable, as he was named by Chicago Magazine a few years ago as one of Chicago’s most eligible bachelors.
AT: You want to talk about a bad goatee? Paul Konerko is Mr. Bad Goatee.
RG: Now, as we all know (and Taft just mentioned), I’m obsessed with hair and Konerko has the worst hair of anyone in baseball (OK, maybe Manny Ramirez). Not only does he have a bald spot the size of a DVD, he tries to comb the hair he has with it. Not a good look. The Sox really don’t have much of a team, looks-wise.
As for Nomar, he remains off for two reasons: big nose and bad facial hair. The facial hair is just awful; he looks like he took a chin dive into a mud pit. His nose looks like a beak. Also, there are too many Cubs on this list.
Not cool.
AT: Is it the Cubs’ fault that they want to have many beautiful men on their team? I should say not. The Cubs may not make the playoffs this year, but they’ll look good doing it. You make a good point about Nomar’s goatee. When he shaves it, he looks pretty good, but when he tries to grow it, it looks funny because he doesn’t have the connectors between the mustache and the chin.
Rest of the handsome rotation
SP- Mark Mulder
SP -Mark Prior
SP- Mike Mussina
SP- Johan Santana
AT: Mark Mulder has that all-American jock thing going on. He looks; like was captain of the football team. As for Prior, it’s not that Prior’s not handsome; he certainly is. It’s just that he’s got humongous dumbo ears. If you ever see him on TV or giving a press conference or something, you notice that his ears are gi-normous. I don’t think Mike Mussina is particularly great-looking, but I remember broadcasters during the ‘02 and ‘03 playoffs kept mentioning Mussina as a “good-looking guy,” so maybe there’s some in-person mystique that I’m note getting. In my opinion, Mussina is pretty normal looking, but for a starting pitcher, that can be enough to land you on the handsome man team. I look at Johan Santana and I can’t help but wonder what he would look like without that goatee.
RG: I’m a huge fan of Santana, I’m not sure why. I agree that the goatee has got to go, but I think he’s got great hair, a nice smile and he speaks immaculate English. I know that shouldn’t be a big deal and it’s kinda xenophobic, but a mastery of languages connotes a certain skill in a ballplayer that I can respect. Although, it probably only has to do with the fact that he plays in Minneapolis, where the only people who actually speak Spanish play for the Twins or teach Spanish atthe local schools.
But, yeah, Mulder has that “A&F” thing that Mauer has going. Mussina, for me, is on there again for his economics degree from Stanford as much as anything. Smart guys go a long way with me.
AT: Sure, Santana is smart, Mussina is smart, so is Andruw Jones, but we’re not here to talk about intelligence, we’re here to talk about handsomeness.You’re so un-shallow, Ross. It makes me sick.
RG: And, as you mentioned, his competition is guys like Mark Buehrle, Randy Johnson and Jose Lima. This also gives me an opportunity to link to a photo of Jose Lima’s wife. While Jose Lima is ugly, his wife is, um, interesting-looking.
AT: It just goes to show you that you don’t need to be a handsome man to have a handsome wife. Although Jose is a musician as well as an athlete. Maybe that’s why his wife fell for him.
The handsome bullpen
LR/SP- Gil Meche
RP – Kyle Farnsworth
RP- Akinori Otsuka
RP- Neal Cotts
RP- Joel Piñeiro
CL- Francisco Rodriguez
AT: I feel that I can’t mention the bullpen without mentioning the powerful loss that many women in Chicago are currently feeling about Kyle Farnsworth. For six years, Farnsworth trotted out of the Cubs bullpen to wild shrieks of women in the stands who wanted a piece. He was known among some for his tendency to wear very tight, or “hot” pants during the game, accentuating what was considered by many to be a fantastic butt (most notably my friend and your ex-girlfriend Annette, who wrote a song about the beauty of Farnsworth’s posterior). Surely, Kyle “Hot Pants” Farnsworth will keep wearing his hot pants and driving the ladies wild in Detroit, but it will be for much smaller audiences.
RG: According to a Mormon Web site, Hot Pants is Mormon. That cannot be right, as my friend who used to tend bar at SmartBar said that he saw Hot Pants there all the time, drinking.
AT: Kyle Farnsworth is the king of the stupid injury.Last year he got hurt because he kicked a fan (an electric one, not a human one) in the clubhouse. Maybe Farnsworth realized that he needed to get some direction in his life, and he decided that the Mormons were the way to go.
RG: I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the sole member of the Chicago White Sox, Neal Cotts. Cotts, like Francisco Rodriguez, has a baby face that may not age well. But, while he’s still young, I think he remains handsome. We’re seeing that now, as he’s grown a beard and looks like a kid trying to buy beer at the local grocery store, clutching a fake ID made at Kinko’s. Not a good look.
AT: Neal Cotts looks like he’s about 14. He’s far and away the most handsome man on the White Sox. It’s too bad they don’t still have Valentin. What’s up with the White Sox and their team of uggers, Ross? Don’t they know that the fans want to see classy, handsome players?
RG: Well, this is an organization that has had Aaron Rowand, Billy Koch AND Antonio Osuna at the same time. Ick.
AT: After seeing a few more pictures of Meche, I would go so far as to say that Meche might be one of the more underrated looking handsome men on the team.
The handsome manager
Eric Wedge
AT: Managers don’t age well, and I don’t think that’s a surprise—they spend several hours of each day for six or seven months of the year in extremely high pressure situations. They are begging for wrinkles and baldness. This is why Don Zimmer has been wrinkled and bald since 1928, and why Joe Torre has looked like he has been in constant need of a nap since the 2001 World Series. Eric Wedge is the easy choice here, as he’s by far the youngest manager in baseball. At 37, he hasn’t had a chance to age poorly yet. Do you think having a 37 year-old manager is weird for guys like Arthur Rhodes, Bob Wickman (both 36), Juan Gonzalez and Jose Hernandez (both 35)?
RG: Yeah, as I’ve mentioned before, I don’t think managers are considered for their looks, but rather their skills.
AT: Um, don’t you think that the players are considered for their skills more than their looks, too? Unless this is why the Twins released David Ortiz…
RG: Well, I think all professions base their hiring practices on skills rather than looks, save for the movie industry. For example, Jessica Alba.
Bobby Cox, by far the best manager of this generation, is an unpleasant -looking man. He looks like he sits on his porch with his hound, a beer and a shotgun, yelling at kids to get off his lawn.
