The 2008 Alex Taft Memorial Handsome Man Team
We’ve discussed the history on the Handsome Man Team within previous teams, so head over to the last two for information on the formation. This year, we took nominations and volunteers to write the piece.
As with the most recent Handsome Man Team, we’ve asked some friends and fellow bloggers to write about the players on the Handsome Man Team. Some chose to use haiku, I wrote a limerick and even one participant wrote a little baseball slashfic. Enjoy.
Handsome Man Emeritus:
José Valentín
Catchers:
Shawn Riggans, Tampa Bay Rays
Jason Varitek , Boston Red Sox
Pudge Rodriguez, New York Yankees
Infielders:
Derrek Lee, Chicago Cubs
Chase Utley, Philadelphia Phillies
Mark DeRosa, Chicago Cubs
Nomar Garciaparra, Los Angeles Dodgers
Hanley Ramirez, Florida Marlins
David Wright, New York Mets
Outfielders:
Alfonso Soriano, Chicago Cubs
Andruw Jones, Los Angeles Dodgers
Jacoby Ellsbury, Boston Red Sox
Grady Sizemore, Cleveland Indians
Carlos Quentin, Chicago White Sox
Nick Markakis
Pitchers:
Barry Zito, San Francisco Fiants
Kyle “Hot Pants” Farnsworth, Detroit Tigers
Huston Street, Oakland Athletics
Neal Cotts, Chicago Cubs
Cole Hamels, Philadelphia Phillies
Mike Mussina, New York Yankees
Mark Prior, San Diego Padres
Scott Kazmir, Tampa Bay Rays
Rick Ankiel, St. Louis Cardinals
Zack Greinke, Kansas City Royals
Handsome Man Emeritus:
José Valentín, retired
Why is José Valentín the original handsome man? Is it his mustache? Is it his Latin Tom Cruise-looking jawline? Is it his muted bouffant? Is it his deep brown eyes?
In fact, it’s all those things. The lovely combination of those factors that is Valentín’s face reminds one of Charlton Heston in Touch of Evil. A beautiful Latin man, José Valentín will always have a place on this team.
- Ross Gianfortune
Catchers:
Shaw Riggans, Tampa Bay Rays
You are the only
Riggans I like more than Tim
Will you hold my hand?
You can wear your pads
I like the way your butt looks
When you squat or stand
Your team changed their name
But you are still in my phone
Under Handsome Man
- Liz I., student
Tek is way hot. It’s an understated hotness that smolders quietly, but he is a man; just look at those massive and powerful appendages he calls “thighs.” He’s so manly that when you say he’s a catcher, it doesn’t even sound…like that. It takes a real man to captain a team, and it takes the ultimate man to rock the flat top well into the new millennium. Plus, he totally wears Red Sox.
- Catherine I., designer
Ivan “Pudge” Rodriguez, New York Yankees
Catchers are allowed to be ugly as sin behind the mask. The protective gear is handsome enough. Consider Batman. Even Michael Keaton could look handsome in the Batsuit. As catchers go, Ivan “Pudge” Rodriguez hails from the Christian Bale spectrum of Batman, handsome as both superhero catcher and Bruce Wayne batter. I mean, catchers need to be superheroes if they’re going to take a bad hopper to the junk with any dignity, right? About his schoolyard nickname: there’s nothing more handsome that a man with self-deprecating charm, like he’s saying “yeah, I was a fatty. So what? I’ll catch anything you throw at me. Throw a napping baby at me and I’ll catch it without even waking it up. Are you looking at my smile of Puerto Rican pearly whites? It’s you who makes me smile.” God, Pudge has a great smile. I fell for it in 2003 during the Cubs/Marlins playoff series. Try as I might, I couldn’t hate on the Marlins’ man behind the plate. Not with a smile like that. And he’s always smiling right at me. Swoon.
-Marisa W., playwright
Infielders:
You think he’s sleepy;
That’s what we call bedroom eyes.
Mmmmm, those juicy lips.
- Alison A. and Annette R., elementary school teacher and college student respectably
Chase Utley, Philadelphia Phillies
Three-time All-Star Chase Utley defines good looks. Women everywhere swoon when he steps to the plate. In fact, he is so handsome that even the men cannot help but take notice. Why do you think he leads the National League in getting hit with pitches? These guys are simply blinded by his good looks!
Everyone wants a piece of Chase Utley. Men’s Fitness Magazine deemed him one of the top 25 Fittest Men in America, putting him in the same category with the likes of Tiger Woods, Barack Obama, Brady Quinn, and actors Will Smith and Daniel Craig (the current James Bond). Tastykake used Utley as their poster child to sell more snack food. Yummy!
Add to this the enormous amount of charity work Mr. Utley performs in the Philadelphia community and he becomes more handsome by the second. Utley serves as chairman for the Phillies RBI and Rookie League youth baseball programs for inner city kids. He and his wife do an enormous amount of fund raising for the Pennsylvania SPCA. The man loves children and puppies. I mean, could he be any more adorable?
And then the sign of a true star: Chase Utley cussed out New York fans on national television during his introduction at the 2008 All-Star Home Run Derby. He jokingly used the “f” word after being booed by the fans and ESPN neglected to bleep him. But did this slip-up tarnish his reputation? No. Utley apologized and all was forgiven. In fact, most found it comical. People, this is a man so good-looking that even angry New Yorkers forgave him. Now that is handsome!
-Jenn, blogs about the Phillies over at the Phightin’ Phils Phorum
Matthew Fox’s twin:
We’d rather get LOST with you.
Your scruff makes us hot.
- Alison A. and Annette R.
Hanley Ramirez, Florida Marlins
Most of the men on the Handsome Man Team have a certain ruggedness to then, combing good looks and a rustic look approproate for a baseball diamond. Jason Varitek looks tough and team captain Chase Utley sports a five o’clock shadow often. Sullen and tough, these guys are here to do their job.
Lest we forget, though, baseball is essentially a child’s game. It’s men running around, thrwing a little ball around. And, because of that, there’s something very attractive about a clean-shaven, babyfaced Dominican kid with a dynamite smile. There’s as much Dennis the Menace in that look as there is Cal Ripken.
- Ross Gianfortune
Fuck you Mia Hamm!
We can nurse him back to health—
Let my Nomar go!
- Alison A. and Annette R.
Alex Taft taught me many things about baseball. Among the things that stick out in my mind are that you are more likely to have fame and success in the MLB if you have an utterly ridiculous name and your chances of finding a handsome man playing pro-ball are about as likely as finding a beautiful woman in a body building competition…but it can happen. Alex also taught me that it is OK to look!
I had always thought that being a female and a baseball fan, no one would ever take me seriously if I fawned over a player or commented on the occassional butt so I kept my commentary to ERAs and RBIs rather than OMGs! But all my self control went out the window when David Wright came up to the majors in 2004. How can one resist the sparkling eyes or the youthful smile or the constant charm and manners of this young star? He embodies all of the great qualities of a young politician, a member of a boy band, and a reality tv show host. I could watch him all day. I would be a gosh darn liar if I said that I appreciated this man for his baseball skills alone.
Thanks, Alex, for reminding me that loving baseball isn’t just a way to keep up appearances and carry on a conversation but a way to appreciate all of the wonderful things that come with it: other fans you come across and feel an instant bond with; stadium food; hours spent watching games with you dad; fresh air; wasting time at work; and that pretty face that ends up playing third base once in a blue and orange moon.
- Helene Y., law student
Outfielders:
Both limber and quick,
With the tightest ass around,
Are you skilled off field?
- Alison A. and Annette R.
Carlos Quentin, Chicago White Sox
(CQ hard at work)
With his perfect tan and perfect smile, Carlos Quentin has certainly spiced things up in for us in left field! California born and bred, his first year in Chicago has been huge. His effortless good looks delight the ladies while his powerful swing excites the fans. My parents seats are five rows back on the first base line, and he smiled at me once. It was like the best day ever. The only problem with their seats is that I can’t see his butt while he is batting. Sometimes I get to see it when he is stretching (see below), and I think you can all see what a treat that is. When he takes his batting helmet off he has a bit of hair that flops over his face and it is so frickin’ cute. He has hit 36 home runs so far and batted in 99 runs. But I think we can all agree that his butt and his smile are the Sox biggest assets this year. I don’t want someone like him, I want The Carlos Quentin.
I personally love the 80’s uniforms, and he looks like such a hunk in this one!
The swing. And the butt!
Crouching, stretching, warming up.
- Liz I.
Nick Markakis, Baltimore Orioles
On behalf of Greeks everywhere, I would like to thank Nick Markakis for being a handsome man. See, there seems to be some sort of misconception among non-Greeks than Greeks, as a breed of humans are tanned, luscious, godlike Adonises. But any Greek worth his or her weight in spanakopita knows that Greek men are squat, greasy, and hairy. And Greek women are, well, squat, greasy, and hairy.* So when a Greek American rises to fame with olive skin, dark bedroom eyes, and the chiseled cheekbones of a classical Greek sculpture, he must be recognized and lauded for living up to the standard to which all Greeks are held.
*My sister and I are an exception to this rule.
- Helene Y.
Jacoby Ellsbury, Boston Red Sox
A blind man at Fenway (watch out, man, I’m carrying beer here!) would have no trouble discerning when Jacoby Ellsbury was due up to bat; every time the Sox’ smolderingly handsome rookie outfielder steps into the batter’s box, the cheers at Fenway jump up by about half an octave as the ladies in attendance voice their hearty approval. The Sox of the past decade have never been a terribly attractive team, and the arrival of Ellsbury’s devastating cheekbones and impossibly dark eyes caused a licking of lips and a loosening of bodices throughout Red Sox Nation. Even I, who typically eschew crushes on members of my home teams (I get this weird sister complex about them), feel my heart flutter every time I see #46 striding to the outfield. Number one hottie on a World Series-winning team? Not bad for a 24-year-old.
- The Future Mrs. Rick Ankiel blogs about Boston sports at Mass Hysteria
A second, equally laudatory take:
Now, it has been argued that Ellsbury is more “cute” and less “handsome,” and while I concede that he has a bit of a babyface, he’s just too good-looking to ignore. And I hope for some serious mustache action in his future, which could man up his face considerably. Either way, he steals bases faster than your mom goes down, and he’s the first Navajo in the major leagues, so extra points for individuality! Besides, who else has won you a free taco lately?
- Catherine I.
Grady Sizemore, Cleveland Indians
It wouldn’t at all be a stretch to call Grady Sizemore the best-looking man in baseball. Like Tiger Woods before him, Sizemore is undeniable proof that hybrids are far and away the sexiest human beings on the planet. Not only does he excel at every possible aspect of baseball (which is sexy in and of itself), but he’s got the kind of impeccably good looks you’d ordinarily see splashed across the pages of a Ralph Lauren ad. There’s not a woman alive who could resist those dimples and that pout. I’m not saying I’d sell my soul for the chance to eat chocolate syrup out from between Grady’s perfectly-sculpted ass cheeks, but, you know, I’m not saying I wouldn’t, either.
- The Future Mrs. Rick Ankiel
(Ed note: Here’s a photo of Sizemore’s fan club, Grady’s Ladies:
)
Andruw Jones, Los Angeles Dodgers
I love Andruw Jones in a way that knows not his recent weight gain, his awful season or his benching thanks to no-good Joe Torre. AJ still has an electric smile and a home run swing.
Also, he might ask you to bring a friend.
Pitchers:
Rick Ankiel, St. Louis Cardinals
It’s no secret that I love athletes, ok? I waste hours of my life Google Image’ing Evan Longoria. I’m convinced that Dwyane Wade would date me given the opportunity (come, on, man,
It’s not just that he’s hot. Sure, the snub nose, the carelessly tousled blond hair, the powerful forearms, the piercing green eyes, the shy smile… any one of those elements would ordinarily have my panties off in about 2.5 seconds (the time is takes me to remember whether or not my legs are acceptably shaven). But Rick is so, so much more than that. Following his epic collapse in the 2000 playoffs, he went from wildly talented phenom to broken man—the kind of wounded hero every girl secretly hopes she will one day breathe new life into. Born anew, Rick wears his rocky past like a battle scar; between lopsided grins, those big green eyes have the haunting thousand-yard stare of a man who is intimately acquainted with devastation and loss.
No, it’s not just the roguish good looks that make Rick Ankiel so attractive. It’s the fact that he’s revealed his flaws to the world in such a painfully public fashion and still puts on a #24 uniform every day. He’s a fighter, but with a sensitive side; his arms would be strong, but his hands would be gentle. In the age of anything-goes talk shows and Behind The Music tell-it-alls, Rick is a true all-American hero: both strong enough to bear his pain, and man enough to bare it.
So it’s not just that Rick Ankiel is hot. He transcends hot. To call him hot is to utterly miss the point of what makes him, well, Rick Ankiel. He’s Superman, and yet he’s Everyman: at once inspiringly strong and heartbreakingly human. In short, he’s the man every woman wants taking her into his arms at night, knowing that he’ll keep her safe while also knowing that he needs her. Rick Ankiel is the kind of guy who makes being a girl—and all the bullshit appurtenant thereunto—totally and completely worth it. We should all be so lucky to have a man like him in our lives.
- The Future Mrs. Rick Ankiel
Mike Mussina, New York Yankees
Reasons Mike Mussina is handsome:
- He graduated with an economics degree from Stanford in under four years.
- The 2006 documentary Wordplay taught us all that Mike Mussina does The New York Times crossword puzzle (also, i really like that movie and not just because Mussina is in it).
- He enters ballgames to “The Zoo” by the Scorpions!
- Stolen straight from Wikipedia: He is fifth among all active pitchers in wins (260), shutouts (23) and complete games (57), seventh in strikeouts (2,705) and innings (3,437.2), eighth in batters faced (13,886), ninth in BB/9 IP (2.018), and tenth in win-loss percentage (.633). His 260 wins are the most by any pitcher never to have a 20 win season.
- He keeps a dry erase board in the clubhouse that he writes little messages on. When Joe Girardi became Yankee manager, he took away the sweets from the clubhouse. They used to munch on ice cream, candy, donuts…stuff like that and Girardi decided that wasn’t really helping them. Apparently, Mussina made a deal with Girardi regarding wins and sweets because after his 10th win the dry erase board said, “the ice cream is back.” When he reaches 12 wins, they get the donuts back and there is a possibility that candy could be back after his 15th win.
- The above is adapted from an entry from we are the ones we have been waiting for, where Stefanie blogs about just about anything she wants, including the New York Yankees
Cole Hamels, Philadelphia Phillies
Cole Hamels, ace pitcher for the Philadelphia Phillies is so hot that no one has even bothered to ask what his first name is short for. No one cares that his full name is “Colbert”, possibly one of the geekiest names on the planet. He is so handsome that he has totally overcome the curse of a dweeb name. Stare long enough into his deep blue eyes and you will see how one can overlook such an oddity.
And as if his chiseled features and child-like grin were not enough, Cole went and married a Reality TV Star and Playboy model, Heidi Strobel, to up his non-geek quotient. The two have set lofty personal goals, including helping to fight the AIDS epidemic in Africa and adopting tons of babies! A man who loves children and wants to save the world; this also increases his status as a total hottie.
Another goal for Hamels is to someday enter the baseball Hall of Fame. While that day may be a long ways off, he has already entered the Handsome Hall of Fame.
-Jenn, from the Phightin’ Phils Phorum
Mark Prior has lost velocity on his pitches and he’s lost time to injury. He’s lost the interest of every team once interested in him. One thing he hasn’t lost, though, is that jawline, his Calfzilla lower half and his steely eyes. Injured or not, Mark Prior remains handsome even in those piss-colored San Diego unis.
- Ross Gianfortune
Pretty boy good looks.
Pitching, you stick out your tongue.
Apply it elsewhere?
- Alison A. and Annette R.
Scott Kazmir’s fastball is about as pretty as his face, though in a different way. Kazmir’s face, despite his frequent five o’clock shadow, has a softness to it unseen in most ballplayers. His fastball, is rapid and heavy, inducing huge strikeout totals and big wins for the insurgent Tampa Bay Rays.
- Ross Gianfortune
Kyle “Hot Pants” Farnsworth, Detroit Tigers
Fighter? Lover? Both.
Delicious posterior.
Take off your hot pants.
- Alison A. and Annette R.
Yoga, guitar and tussled hair may seem quaint,
With the strike zone corners Zito tries to paint,
With his curveball dropping a mile,
And his 10,000-watt smile,
He makes all the San Francisco fans faint.
- Ross Gianfortune
On lonely summer evenings one of my favorite pastimes is to go out to my back yard with a bottle of chardonnay, light a citronella candle and gaze at the stars. As the cool wine trickles down the back of my throat and the lights blink on the wings of passing planes my mind wonders to my memories of my time with Neal Cotts. We met when he was just a young rookie with the Oakland A’s. He was fresh out of high school, his strong square jaw just barely showing the growth of a boy’s stubble. He looked so adorable when I would tell him in a mockingly antagonistic tone, “ show me your game face rook.” He would purse his lips and squint his eyes like Clint Eastwood Eastwood taking a roadside sobriety test. Since then he has grown into quit the handsome man. He has grown his dirty blonde hair out. Now coming down just past his ears, like all the surfer boys on the California beaches. His iron jaw now rough and leathered with the growth of a man. His cool blue eyes no longer squinty, but rather open and fierce. A vacant, devil may care look in his eyes that strikes fear into rookie batters and sends shutters down my spine. He stands tall on the mound with strong thighs winding up and twisting his rippled torso as he delivers fastballs on the out side. His arm whipping forward like the waves he used to surf.
I pour the last few drop into my glass and stamp out my cigarette. The evenings are getting shorter and the nights have turned cooler. Soon it will all be over and I will have to endure another four months until I can see Neal again.
I fall into bed, my sheets already cool from the fan, and wrap a light sheet around me. I am sure I will wake up in the morning and the sheet will be on the floor and I will be coated in a warm sweet as I often find myself. Fore tonight I will dream that my strong surfer pitcher is on the mound. It’s the bottom of the ninth with two outs and Neal is pitching, and I am catching.
- Ben C., actor
Zack Greinke, Kansas City Royals
Zack Greinke’s boyish good looks are the entrance to a love for the Kansas City ace, but his pitching style is what keeps one in love with him. Like a small, American Livan Hernandez, Greinke is famed for throwing every pitch at different speeds and going 60% on the lesser hitters, while saving his best for the middle of the order. He’s been up in down, but he’s always no. 1 in my heart.
- Ross Gianfortune
