Snobs vs. Slobs

First, a note:

As any read can imagine, the site has been mostly dark for the past two years. On some level, this is due to Taft’s passing, as he was the driving force for the site. On another level, I’ve been busy with other stuff. Nevertheless, I felt it necessary to continue in the tradition from four and a half years ago, wherein I talk shit about the team (the Philadelphia Flyers) opposing our team (the Chicago Blackhawks) in the championship series. I realize I did not do this for the Bears Super Bowl. Sorry.

As I wrote before the Sox took on the Astros: in lieu of writing about matchups, strategy, toughness or coaching, I’d decided to give you 10 reasons to hate the Flyers.

1. Welcome to Philadelphia, now go home
I could easily do 10 reasons to hate Philadelphia fans.

This moron is a Philadelphia fan. So is this copycat moron. And this guy. This city booed Santa Claus, Hall of Famer Mike Schmidt and Michael Irvin when he hurt his neck and had to be carried off in a stretcher. Or how about the time they threw batteries (!!) at J.D. Drew.

This idiot—on command, mind you—puked on some other fans. Donovan McNabb was booed by these fans when he was drafted. There are many more, but I don’t want to get too far into it.

Now.

I understand that the fans of one team aren’t always the exact same fans as those teams; plenty of people only care about one sport or another. Not everyone loves all sports as I do. But, nevertheless, if Eagles and Phillies fans root for any hockey team, I’m sure it’ll be the Flyers.

2. The Flyers don’t have a theme song.
The ‘Hawks have this:

Advantage? ‘Hawks.

3. Scott Hartnell is disgusting.
The guy on the left:

4. The team is loaded with French Canadians. The ‘Hawks have none.
I actually love Quebec, but in case you’re on the fence, the Flyers have tons and tons of French Canadian players (Ian Laperriere, Simon Gagne, Claude Giroux, Danny Briere, David Laliberte and Kevin Marshall). The ‘Hawks have none.

Now, let me cleanse myself of this before I say it: I am just playing to the xenophobes out there. Personally, I love the world of French Canada.

But…

They don’t even speak English! They eat weird food! There are tons of strip clubs!

(Again, I actually love French Canada.)

5. Speaking of Ian Laperriere, he’s, maybe the stupidest person ever.
I realize that hockey players are tough; I saw Duncan Keith get seven teeth knocked out Sunday. I realize that Jeff Carter hurt his foot and came back quickly.

But Laperriere bruised his brain. Let me rephrase that: He had a brain contusion. You can get new teeth. You can walk with a limp. You cannot get a new brain or walk with a limpy brain. You die.

Therefore: Laperriere is a total idiot.

6. Historically, the Flyers have been thugs.
Again, I understand that hockey is a tough game and I realize that hockey players are tough dudes. But, the Flyers take that whole “tough” thing too far.

This is a team that lovingly called themselved “bullies” and won championships doing so. This is a team that went to the finals with a top line called the “Legion of Doom.”

On the other hand, the ‘Hawks play Mario Kart Wii.

7. Chris Pronger: Bad guy.
Just ask his wife.

8. In the late 1930s, some Philadelphia weirdos poisoned over 100 people.
Philadelphia’s Poison Ring had 114 victims.

9. Ed Snider is a bad person.
Anyone who has Comcast cable agrees.

10. I’m sorry, but orange is a ridiculous dominant color for a hockey team.
I have some trouble rooting for a team with a Native American logo, but, in the ‘Hawks defense, Chief Blackhawk was an actual dude. Also, it’s been voted the best sweater by many people, though I can’t find the link just now.

Orange just looks like a pumpkin.

If you don’t root for the ‘Hawks, please, use these reasons to root against the Flyers. They suck.