Snobs vs. Slobs

With all due respect to my last post urging civility towards one another regarding sports, I wanted to inject a little venom/humor into the mix. With the Astros’ win tonight, I think it is high time to start hating the Astros.

So, in lieu of writing about matchups, pitching staffs or strategy, I’d decided to give you, our fair reader, 15 reasons to hate the Astros:

1. Roger Clemens is a bad dude.
Actually, I could probably give you 15 reasons just to hate Roger Clemens. Among them:

• He is so ‘team-first’ that he doesn’t even show up for games in which he’s not pitching

• Upon his return to Fenway with Toronto, he never even acknoledged the Boston fans (This kills Bill Simmons particularly)

• All of his kids’ names start with ‘k.’ That’s not only immature, but completely ridiculous

• He once threw a bat shard at Mike Piazza, claiming he thought it was a ball.

• He once hit Piazza in the head with a beanball.

• He basked in the standing ovation as he was about to retire in the ‘03 WS (Hell, even the Marlins were clapping for him), only to unretire a month later and go play for the Astros.

• He is one of the many players who want to go to the Yankees, simply to win a WS. I know a lot of guys do this (Randy Johnson, A-Rod, etc.), but Clemens did it and promptly left.

• He’s a generally scary dude (apparently, there is a place in the Astros’ clubhouse where he goes after his starts, freaks out, breaks things and screams. Seriously).

2. Craig Biggio wears a very dirty helmet.
What’s the point of that? Orlando Cabrera does that, as does Vlad Guerrero, Trot Nixon, etc. It looks ridiculous.

3. Jeff Bagwell has a stupid batting stance.
He looks like he’s taking a dump.

4. They are wearing playoff beards
This isn’t hockey, fellas. Baseball players don’t need to force silly facial hair, especially when Phil Garner is your manager. That’s all the moustache you need.

5. Phil Garner has an outlandish moustache
Although, it’s not as silly as the one he sported when he was a player.

6. Brad Ausmus still has a job.
You would’ve thought, after a 2003 eqa of .213 (!), someone would’ve dumped him. Nope. He’s still one of the worst hitters in the majors, yet remains on a roster because of his “intangibles.”

7. Andy Petitte is really into Jesus
Seriously, what the fuck is up with Power for Living?

8. Lance Berkman really does look like Fat Elvis

And that’s not something to be proud of.

9. Houston smells
According to the American Lung Association, Houston is the fifth most polluted city in the U.S. I’ve only been there, and it’s true. The city smells more like smog than even L.A. And at least L.A. has the ocean.
(I’ve also heard that Houston has the second-most strip clubs per capita in America. I have no idea where I heard that statistic, but, for the purposes of this site, I will believe it.)

10. Their most famous fan is George H.W. Bush
And let’s be honest, he’s a pretty creepy dude. Nice job on Saddam Hussein, buddy. Your son had to finish what you started.

11. Jose Vizcaino has a fork sticking out of his back
Hey, if you need someone to make a ton of outs for you, he’s your man. Also, he can play many positions, kind of. It’s more like “he can stand at any place on the diamond and wave his glove at groundballs,” but that’s good enough for Moustache Garner.

12. Sports teams from Texas are way too into Texas
Why is it that ever pro sports team from Texas is all about Texas? Examples:

• The Texas Rangers are in the Dallas area, yet don’t associate with Dallas at all. It’s all about Texas. I understand a lot of other teams do this (every Colorado team, for example), but Texas is the worth. The Rangers have no interest in Dallas. Could you imagine the Bears being the “Illinois Bears?” That’s ridiculous

• The Houston Texans. Seriously. The Texans. What a terrible name. Again, how stupid would it sound if the Cardinals just started calling themselves the “Missourians” or the Reds wanted to be the “Ohioans?” It’d sound stupid.

• Every team that doesn’t have “Texas” in their name has the outline of the state somewhere. The Stars have it and the Astros have it (you can barely see it in these pictures, but you get the idea).

• The basketball teams and the Cowboys don’t do this, but are similar in that they use Old West imagery for everything (The Rockets don’t, but we’ll get to them). Hell, the Texans have a cow skull as their logo. But, the Spurs, Mavericks and Cowboys are all cowboy/Old West-themed names. What the hell? Dallas isn’t the old west and neither is San Antonio.
(And that’s not even mentioned University of Texas, which calls itself the Longhorns)
Seriously, Texas isn’t all that great.

13. They used to be the Colt .45’s
Again, too much Old West imagery. That’s not cool at all, plus it’s violent.

14. Despite having a cool thing to go with, the Astros have foregone it and go straight for the Texas angle
Houston was the base of all things NASA for many years and that’s the reason the Astros are named the Astros. The old logo had an atomic particle-looking thing circling the dome and had space-agey colors. They played in a crappy stadium, but it was a crappy space-age stadium.

(Similarly, the Houston basketball team is the Rockets. That’s pretty cool.)

Then, they went and screwed everything up. Other than the star (which is probably just a Texas, lone star thing), the Astros have nothing to do with space. And that’s silly. The White Sox have a pair of socks on their sleeve patch. The Cubs have a baby bear on their alternate logo.
The Braves have a tomahawk. The Angels have a halo. And so on.

Do the Astros have a spaceman? An atomic particle? Nope. They have a stupid-ass state of Texas outline. The space thing is cool and the Astros powers-that-be care more about Texas than they do space.

Most importantly: 15. Their hats/unis are butt-ugly.
While working on a project of ranking each teams’ hats (for an off-season post), I ranked the Astros last of the 30 teams. They are the only team that has that ugly-ass red rocks color for their jerseys and have ass-ugly pinstriped home jerseys. Plus, is that star on the hat supposed to be an “a?” If so, it looks really stupid.

Plus, is black a main color? Navy? Pick one, idiots.

I’ve already mentioned the ridiculous star shoulder logo, but I forgot to mention that they use that for their batting practice hat logo. That’s just dumb-looking. Who, in their right mind, would be proud to wear that?

Considering they used to have those cool-ass rainbow unis, their current unis are terrible.

If you don’t root for the Sox, please, use these reasons to root against the Astros. They suck.